Happy New Year, everyone!
I took some time off over the holidays, as it was time to put the laptop away and connect with family and friends. We had a lovely holiday, and I’m so looking forward to the New Year.
By the time last weekend rolled around, boy was I ready for a check-in. We haven’t been consistent with check-in’s. Between his schedule and mine, and the extras in our schedule, we’d been sorely neglecting to check-in. I was feeling a little ornery around the edges and really in need of some daddy time.
My sister (who is also a submissive) gave my husband a gift for Christmas with a wink. “This will have a dual meaning,” she said. It was a gift card holder with a spinner on it that says “naughty” or “nice.” Jason got a gleam in his eye when he spun it and looked at me. So yesterday, we agreed it was time for a thorough check in. I’d been working, and hadn’t gotten ready for the day fully yet, and was still wearing my glasses. So he took them off.
“Is this like my super hero costume?” I asked him. “You take off my glasses and now I’m like Superman?”
“Super Sub,” he said. “You’re Super Sub.” Ha! We went over my rules and he pulled out the spinner and put me over his knee. Every time he spun “nice” he gave me a good spank with his wand. Every time he spun “naughty” I got a wicked whack. Hmph. He spanked me long and hard, and boy did I squirm and fight it. I needed it, though, and he knew it. I didn’t really like it at all, but I felt a lot better when he was done.
And now I’m contemplating the New Year. What my goals are. My plans. What I hope to achieve in 2019. I wrote them out last weekend, and came up with a plan. (I’m a big goal setter and Jason helps me with that. I’m not sure if readers are interested in how that works for us, but if anyone wants a detailed post, please let me know and I’ll write that). Jason went over my goals, and I’m going to ask him for a good Clean the Slate Spanking again.
It’s sort of our ritual, and I do love those rituals. I was sort of cruising along, enjoying life, and comfortable at the place where we check in but trouble is very real.
Then Thursday night, everything came to a screeching halt. I broke a rule, and it was an important one. I could’ve prevented it, but I was stressed about something and I let my focus slip. I made a poor decision, it resulted in a split-second decision that was not a good one. I broke a pretty major rule and I knew I had to tell Jason.
I tried to justify things in my mind. It’s just a normal human reaction. I mean, no one likes facing real consequences.
“Maybe he’ll cut me some slack,” I thought, but even before I completed the thought I knew the truth. He was not going to grant me mercy.
So finally, the kids went to bed and I told him I had to tell him something. He usually lies in bed next to me and lets me tell him what’s on my mind while I’m laying down beside him or snuggled up on his chest. Sometimes I need to feel his strength to get up the courage to confess.
So I fessed up. He was stern but kind, and simply said what I expected. “You shouldn’t have done that and you know how I feel about it. You also know I’m going to have to punish you.” I knew it, so I just nodded. I did sorta try to talk him out of it. “I’ve been really good…and we’re going to do our clean-the-slate spanking anyway… and I did realize my mistake…”
But he knows what I need even when I don’t want it. “We’ll do our clean-the-slate another time. You are not getting away without getting a spanking for this.”
I knew he was right. We didn’t wait, but got It over with right then, and let me tell ya, it was awful. It wasn’t long, but intense. I’d forgotten how hard it was to take a really hard spanking, since they’re pretty rare here. I was struggling and asking him by the first hard smack but like a good Dom, he didn’t stop there. He knew I deserved a serious spanking, I knew I deserved a serious spanking, but you know…the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak and all that.
It was too intense for me to let go during the actual punishment. This was no slow and steady cathartic spanking. There was nothing but intentional, though controlled, punishment we both knew I deserved. And I know if he hadn’t punished me, something would’ve been off. We do this for a reason, and I need that firmness from him. He lectured me seriously, and spanked me until I got the message loud and clear.
Aftercare was beautiful and intimate, as it often is, and I went to bed spent and thoroughly humbled.
The next morning, though. Man, I forgot what it was like to be punished like that. What it feels like the next day. I woke up humbled and quiet, but I had work to do, and we were expecting furniture delivered. So I put off my feelings and focused on what I had to do. This was a mistake.
Because it had been a long time since Jason really punished me, he forgot what I needed. He went about his day, too. And something stressful came up involving our furniture delivery, so I went to him to tell him. He was working, I caught him at a bad time… oh, boy. It was not good. He snapped at me. I had no idea I was as vulnerable as I was, until him snapping at me totally made me crumple.
I left the room and cried my eyes out. He was working, in a conference call, and it wasn’t until I was a total sobbing mess that I realized what was happening. Sub drop.
I got punished the night before, neglected to realize I was a sensitive, vulnerable mess who needed her daddy, and because he was out of the routine, too, he failed to see what I needed. Classic sub drop happens after a BDSM session. Domestic discipline isn’t BDSM, but the hormone levels are frequently similar, so submissives often have the same reaction after punishment as they might after a session. Endorphins run high and then drop, leaving the submissive in a vulnerable state and highly emotional.
I reached out to him and told him I needed him. He said his meeting was over, and told me to come up. I went upstairs, a blubbering mess of feminine hurt and submissive sadness, feeling much more “little” than I have in a very, very long time. He took one look at me and sort of got an “oh, boy,” look on his face, like “what the hell did I just do?”
To his credit, he shut off his computer and took me right over to the bed, held me up to his chest and hugged me. The stern, demanding Dom demeanor was gone, and the nurturing side came out. He called me his “little one,” and asked me to tell him what was going on. I soaked his shirt sobbing my eyes out and blubbering about not realizing what a mess I was, and how I needed some TLC, and how when he snapped at me it killed me because all my reserves were gone. He listened and apologized. I wasn’t really upset with him, though, just hurt, and I don’t blame him because he was as out of practice as I was.
I didn’t need that much attention. He held me until I stopped crying, and gave me some specific instructions. Before I left, he checked on my emotional state, and all day long he texted me, checking in on me and gradually, as the day went on, I started feeling like myself again. In the days following this, he was attentive and I was on my very best behavior.
Phew. Way to ring in the new year!
It was a good reminder, though… why we do what we do. How we handle things when they happen. And why it takes two to work through the ins and outs of this dynamic.
And it left me thankful, so thankful, for what we already have. It was a hard situation, but when we build a dynamic built on trust and communication, even during trying times, we have a beautiful opportunity to draw together again.