Sunday, July 8, 2018

The Top Ten Things a Submissive Needs

“I think he’s just playing at this.”

“I don’t think this matters to him as much as it matters to me.”

“He hasn’t spanked me in two weeks/four weeks/a month/a year.” 

“He doesn’t care if I break a rule or not.”

“I shouldn’t have to tell him what I need. I don’t like to ask.”

These are things I used to say and still, sometimes, struggle with. These are things that I hear other submissives say on a regular basis, and I daresay these complaints come from a place of being desperate to have a need filled. There have been times when I wrote posts Dear Hoh/Dom/Guy with the paddle trying to explain those needs. But today, I have a different sort of approach for you.

Before I launch into this list of the top ten things a submissive needs, I’d like to explain a little something.

Submissives and dominants are almost always just regular old people. They’re not like god-like, muscled heroes in my romance books (romance is often escapism), or the kickass heroines. They’re usually just normal people, who live normal lives, like me and Jason. They have kids and in-laws and jobs. They go on vacation and bounce checks and lose jobs and watch sports games, raise children and grow old.

But even though we're normal people…submissives and dominants have needs that are slightly different from the average couple. So even though we look like the average couple, and we do things like the average couple, we really aren’t. We tend to have needs that vary, and not understanding those needs can cause some major upheaval. 

For now, let’s get started with this list. It’s by no means exhaustive, and by no means applicable to everyone. However, it’s based on my observation over the years.

Ten things submissives need 

1.     Attention

Recently, I came home from a super stressful day. A dear friend of mine suffered a tragic loss, and I was so emotionally drained. Earlier in the day, I had asked Jason, “May I have a few minutes of your time later?” 

“Absolutely,” he responded.

So we rearranged our evening. My youngest was put to sleep in her own bed instead of crashing in mine as sometimes happens. Instead of his gaming and me reading a book, we put everything down and I crawled up on his chest. I told him everything that had happened. He listened, held me when I cried, and after just a few minutes of his undivided attention, I went to sleep. Jason isn't a super talkative guy, and I really need his attention, so I've learned to find other ways of processing things (like this blog) rather than chewing his ear off. Instead, I go to him when I really need to talk, respecting his need for quiet and space. But when I need him? He's there for me. Are we perfect? Well, no. But over the years, we've learned to come to this compromise. 

One of the biggest appeals of a Dom/sub relationship is knowing that I’m the center of his attention. That I’m special to him. Hearing him call me his “little girl,” or send me a text that says “Daddy loves you,” or “Daddy’s proud of you,” just those little tiny things that remind me he’s thinking of me, fill me with joy. Holding onto the collar at my neck or the bracelet he puts on me in the morning with my “daddy’s little girl” charm reminds me that I’m his.

When he disciplines me, or doms me, or wades in and lifts a heavy burden from my shoulders, I’m reminded of how special I am to him.

2.   Consistency

Jason holds me to rules. He doesn’t give me much leeway, and I love him for that. I know what he expects of me. I know if I break a rule, he’ll discipline me. We both know that when we’re embracing our roles, we are both happier and our home runs like a well-oiled machine.

I broke a rule last night. I deserved to be punished, and I knew it. I also knew there was no way he would let me off the hook. I needed him to discipline me, and he did.  

However, consistency doesn't always mean punishing me when I think I deserve it. He certainly does reserve the right not to punish me if he thinks it's better not to. Consistency is a response,  not always the action I want, the recognition of an agreed-upon rule that was broken, or something similar. 

To keep that consistency going, it’s my job to tell him how I’m doing, to tell him if I broke a rule, or need added accountability. It’s also my job to clear the decks for him so he has the emotional energy to be my leader (more on that in next week's post).

It’s his job to make sure I don’t get away with anything. To be the strong, immovable Dom in my life when I’m waffling or struggling or I need to be brought back to center.

3.     Accountability

Those who are submissively wired, especially babygirls, tend to be goal-setters. They want to meet their goals. They brought up this lifestyle because they’re sick of trying to do things on their own and failing. Maybe their house is messier than they like, they aren’t getting up on time for work, they want to hit the gym more regularly and lose some weight. Maybe they don’t like the way they feel when they lose their temper with the kids or overspend at the mall. They know they need someone who’ll make them tow the line, and they’re happier when that happens.

4.     We want to feel wanted

Jason will come up to me wherever we are and take what’s his. It’s not uncommon for him to grab my ass while he walks through the kitchen, or give me a good sharp spank when we’re out on a date. He’ll tangle his hands up in my hair and tug my head back for a kiss, or wake me in the middle of the night because he wants sex. He’ll ask me, “how’s my baby?” or text me, “I love you, babygirl.” Mostly? I freaking LOVE this. It makes me feel loved. It makes me feel wanted. Being his submissive means I’m his special girl, and I crave that love and attention. Even the smallest little dominant gesture from him can have me floating for hours. 

5.     Understanding

I remember a while ago telling Jason, “I think I’m a weirdo for feeling this way.” He reached over, tugged my collar, and said, “This tells you that I don’t think you’re weird.”

We’ve talked about my craving to submit to him for years. He accepted it early on, when he saw the fruits of our dynamic playing out so beautifully. 

I think the single easiest way to crush a submissive is to make them feel that what they want is somehow wrong, deviant, or disordered. Society tells us women shouldn’t submit, that only children are spanked, and that solid relationships are built on equality. So when we seek a relationship that values submission, discipline, and an agreed-upon imbalance of power, it can be hard to go against the grain. We need to know the partner we love understands this about us.

6.     Discipline

We like knowing our dominant partners care. We love having rules and accountability. And even though discipline can totally suck--I mean, I don’t really like being spanked at all--I also know I need this. I might fight it, and I’ll mostly dislike it, but I’m better off when I’m disciplined. 

I like having a bedtime. I like showing Jason my to-do list. I like knowing he expects me to respect him and won’t tolerate back talk or disrespect and daresay his expectation of respect was the turning point in our dynamic. I like knowing he wants me to make safe, healthy choices, and that he’ll make sure that I do. Because when he does, I feel loved.

7.     Validation

One of the reasons submissives are frequently the ones seeking out companionship in online groups or friendships with likeminded people, or why books like mine that explore Dom/sub relationships are so popular, is because people love knowing they aren’t the only kinky person out there. They like knowing they aren’t alone. 

Doms rarely care as much about this, which is why most online forums are decidedly submissive-led. When Jason decided he wanted this lifestyle, he wanted to make it his own. He didn’t want or need advice from other Doms. He didn’t want a mentor or a rule book or any instruction from another guy, because he felt that would detract from both the intimacy and privacy of our dynamic, and because he wanted to do things his way. That’s kinda common for a Dom.

Submissives, however, not only often need outside validation, but they often need their Dominant partner to also assert that validation. That they’re not weird, crazy, or childish for wanting this.

8.     Stress relief

We don’t just like to be spanked for punishment. Sometimes, we crave a good centering session, to remind us who’s in charge, or to just help us get rid of the stress of the day. But when we submit, we also crave the mental freedom of letting go. Of trusting someone else to lead. Submitting gives us freedom, and we need that.

9.     Routines

Jason and I have a morning ritual check-in. I’ll be honest, we miss that sometimes because of extenuating circumstances. Recently, we missed this but I was exhausted by night and he was, too, so I just asked him, “Can we check in tomorrow morning?” He said, “Absolutely.” So that means I need to leave time for this. I need to be sure since we have things to do today that I’ve taken care of what needs to be done. We can’t manufacture time out of thin air, and a check-in takes time. A check-in here involves me kneeling, going over my rules, then going over his lap to be put in my submissive place before I take on the day. 

When I travel apart from him, we keep this routine so we both stay on track. I like knowing he cares and he likes knowing he left me in a good place. 

10.  Structure and ritual

Similar to our routines, we crave our little rituals. Our collars and jewelry that remind us to submit. Piggybacking on that, we also crave structure: the Saturday morning maintenance session. The before-bed reading of the submissive journal. The daily wake-up text reminding us to behave. Lots of couples have special rituals and symbols. I once read a blog of one couple that had a corner time ritual, in which she would strip and wait for him to return home from work while waiting in the corner. It was a sort of meditation she learned to crave. The possibilities are endless.

Routines and rituals give us the structure we need, and most submissives thrive under that structure. I have a bedtime and rules throughout the day I’m supposed to follow. I have times when I’m allowed to cheat on my diet and times I’m not allowed. I have a system in place for when I work, and I’m supposed to stick to that. These guidelines help me.


Now,  perhaps you’re a submissive who’s read this list and nodded through many or all points.

Please don’t make the mistake of handing your dom this list and saying, “Hey. This. Do this for me.”

My question to you is, how have you communicated these needs? Have you given him the time and space to find the energy to Dom you? Unless a Dominant is naturally dominant and/or brought this lifestyle to you, it will take tons of time, patience, and open communication to learn how to communicate effectively. 

Remember that our needs don’t trump everyone else’s, so we must cultivate patience and maturity when asking for what we need, and when you do get what you need, it’s crucial to continue to submit with love, and to build up your dominant partner and thank them for meeting your needs.

Next up, how do we make this dynamic work? How do both the submissive and dominant partner have their needs met? Come back next week for the next post. J

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Thoroughly spanked and ready to blog. ;)

Hello, everyone! 

So, it seems I took an unintentional hiatus from blogging. For some reason, gmail no longer shows me any comments, so I apologize, as when I logged in this morning there were about a dozen comments waiting for approval that have been for a while! I actually am working on a series of posts that are drafted that I'll begin posting next week, on the needs of a submissive and how to make this dynamic work. :) 

There was some major stress for us in June. Things are better now, so I won't share details, but they were all outside circumstances involving friends, family, work (his and mine), that depleted us both of time and energy. We missed our daily check-in's (our ritual going over my rules, my daily plan, and my maintenance session) for days on end, and it was not good. 

This past week, Jason and I had it all out. We hadn't had time to connect. We hadn't had time to talk. I was way stressed and so was he. I was snippy, he was snippy, I needed to be spanked, he needed a drink (or something lol!), and we were at odds sorta. We got into an argument, and finally realized how far gone we were. We set about fixing things, and in a very short time, had come back together into our roles, and it felt really nice. 

Yesterday, I was dying for a spanking. A really thorough, firm spanking with impact and pain and lingering soreness. I have to admit, I haven't craved something like that in a really long time. I'm usually pretty stable with the maintenance he gives me, and he's super consistent with domming and necessary discipline, so I think I just don't get to the point where I did yesterday, or I haven't in a really long time. I was fantasizing about a super long hand spanking, his belt, our paddle. Something that I could feel for a good long time. 

I didn't want the little tilt wand (blind rod) as that's what I get for maintenance. It's whippy and stings,  but I needed deeper. Harder. Maybe because our month was stressful and we'd had some time when we weren't in a good place? I don't know. But I was dying for a really sound spanking. So, I told him. I don't ever hold back from telling him. In fact, it's a rule here. If I don't tell him, he'll punish me (and no matter how badly I need a spanking, I hate being punished). 

He put on the air conditioning, laid me on the bed, and spanked me with the hairbrush. It hurt. But it was brief and definitely not sexy. So, I was still feeling I needed more. I mentioned it to him as submissively as possible (he does not allow me to get bratty about it. It's like his pet peeve), and he said he'd do what he could. 

We went out and were out a while, got home late and our kids went to bed. It's so much harder getting your kink on when you have teens than it is when you have little kids. They go to bed late, miss nothing, and are nosy as hell. So last night, everyone went to bed. 

"Please, daddy. Remember what we talked about earlier?" I asked him. 

He nodded, smiled like he was looking forward to this (uh oh), and picked up his belt, then went and locked our bedroom door. I felt nervous at this point, a little shaky. I mean, spankings hurt. He came back and patted his knee for me to get over. I did. He doubled over his belt. "I'm going to give you a good, long spanking, but I don't want to hurt you so let's go slow," he said, then he let the lash fly. It stung, but when I'm over his knee, he has less room to swing. So it hurt, but it wasn't terrible. He rubbed out the sting between several swats and it helped, but when he was done I still needed more. 

"May I present?" I asked him. When I'm chest-down, ass up in the bed, his range of motion is better, and it puts me in a really great submissive head space. 

"Why?" he asked. 

"I don't know," I said. "I think it's partly just because I want to feel it harder, but also because it's just a fantasy of mine." And it is, presenting for a spanking with his belt. 

So he agreed, I presented on the bed, and he began. He reared back, and snapped that belt hard and fast. I  could hardly breathe, but he'd just wait for me to get back into position between strokes of his belt. What sucks about the belt is that it often lands in the same place more than once, so I tend to wiggle my ass to help him have a better target. It worked. He spanked me until I felt the tension leave my body, then instructed me to count out the last ten. 

It was perfect. The swish and smack of his belt, the burn and sting. When he was done, he finished me off with a good hand spanking. 

I was jello. Boneless. I slumped into bed and thanked him in a slurred whisper, and he told me it was his pleasure. I fell asleep shortly after, like I was in a spanking-induced coma. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever move past my need for this, as my needs have evolved. As of right now, I definitely don't see that happening any time soon. I'm a spanko, he loves spanking me, and this is how we roll.

Thoroughly satisfying. Totally perfect. 

Next week, I'm going to blog about the needs of a submissive (and it's a lot more involved than a spanking.) I'm so looking forward to getting back into blogging!

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Spanked and punished and...yeah, I still need this.

It’s inevitable that I get punished after traveling alone. I’m not sure why. Maybe somehow Jason and I need that reconnection and it’s a sort of subconscious action on my part or his or both of ours. Maybe I’ve just forgotten my place, or he needs to remind me of his.

Last week a blog reader was commenting on the different flavor of my blog, that it’s different from when we first began. I know that our dynamic has changed, and so has my blogging. I think it surprised me was the expectation that it stay static. I explained that I don’t talk much about punishment because I don’t get punished very often. I said, “we’ve been doing this 24/7 for over five and a half years. If I were being punished with regularity at this stage, I think something would be wrong.” And I believe that. If my point in this is to learn to obey him and his is to teach me to obey, regular punishment would mean that something wasn’t working. That isn’t the way it is at first, though. At first, with a steady dynamic in which both partners have mutual goals they’re striving toward, it’s actually common for punishment to be frequent, especially if roles are new. But with a steady focus on roles and dedication to the lifestyle, it should be the case that punishment becomes rarer.

That’s not the only reason I don’t blog much about punishment anymore, though. Yes, it’s infrequent. But it’s also not the point of my submission or his dominance. If it were, I’d be a masochist and he’d be a sadist. I respect those kinks and I have friends that identify that way. But I’m not one of them. I’m not here for the pain. I’m here for the exchange of power.

So recently, after traveling, when I screwed up and broke a pretty blatant rule, and Jason just said matter-of-factly and fairly sternly, “you’ll get a spanking for that tonight,” I got very quiet and contemplative. It feels a little rusty being punished. Spanking is common. In fact, I’m pretty addicted. I get crazy and antsy when it’s been too long without a spanking, and by too long, I mean a day or two. Just last night we didn’t have our full check-in (both of our faults) and by bedtime I was feeling a little grumpy and out of sorts.

But knowing I’m in real trouble still makes me a little queasy inside. I feel a little off waiting for it, though I’ve learned by now not to dwell. I focus instead on being repentant and asking myself why I want this. What I need to learn from this. I focus on what I need to do right now, today, and don’t dwell on the impending punishment. There’s a lot of self-talk that happens through this for me.

I got riddled with nerves when the time came, and when he went into total disciplinarian mode I felt very quiet.

“Where’d you put the brush?” he asked, in that no-nonsense tone. I had to think a moment and then whispered its whereabouts because I freaking hate the brush and I was nervous as hell. He fetched it, sat on the edge of the bed, and called me over. All stern daddy. Took my chin in hand and looked me in the eye and made me tell him why I was in trouble. I want to hide when he does that. It’s hard to look him in his eyes. Then he told me to get over his knee. I did, knowing this was not going to be fun.

Someone asked me the other day “how many” when I get in trouble. I shrugged. I’m certainly not counting when I’m in trouble. It’s all I can do not to fly out of my skin. He’s made me count before, though, so I know real punishment is somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty or a hundred strokes. Some readers will think that’s insane, some will think it fairly light. I know it’s what I need. Any lighter than that feels like maintenance. But I’m stubborn and really not submissive, so I need to be stripped down to submission, and a serious implement while he lectures the hell out of me gets the job done. Others will think I’m a wimp. They can think that. I am!

So over the knee I went, out came the brush, he bared me and spanked me soundly. I didn’t like it. I sniffled and grabbed the bedspread and asked him to stop, but I know how this goes. I don’t have to hold back in asking him to stop because 1) I really can’t help it and 2) he won’t stop until he knows I’ve had enough.

It wasn’t a major infraction, like endangering my safety or being blatantly disrespectful. Both would earn me a severe spanking. But it was hard enough. He lectured me good and long while he spanked me good and hard. I need to hear those things to remind me to submit.

“Just because you’re traveling and running things doesn’t mean you get away with breaking my rules,” he said while he whacked me with that brush in firm, measured strokes. Talk about humbling. Yikes. God, I hate that thing, the burn and sting that’s deep and lasting. “I’ll remind you how to behave, and you’re not going to do this again.”

Of course in an effort of self-preservation I avowed my promise to never ever ever do anything even mildly wrong ever ever again. You know.

The spanking lasted long after I wanted it to stop, and then finally I blurted out, “I’m sorry!” I’ve tried to say that earlier on in the spanking but it doesn’t work. He knows when I’m sorry. I know when I am. There’s not much use saying it until it’s time. He dropped the brush and gave me a few hand smacks for good measure, which hurt like hell after a brush spanking. Or after any spanking, for that matter.

He held me after that. I needed him to. We needed the reconnection, the reminder of our roles. I hate being punished and he hates punishing me, but it’s such an essential part of our dynamic. Rarely visited but ever-present.

He told me he loved me and that I was his good girl and he knew I’d behave now. He said I made him proud, and that these little things that come up need to be dealt with but that’s why he’s here. I sniffled and nodded and just let him take care of me. I need this. He needs this.

And after my emotions settled, we moved on to much, much nicer things, solidifying our connection.

I was subdued and quiet the rest of the night, and the next day, too. Though I’m thankful punishment is rare, I’m also thankful it’s part of our dynamic. I’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating:

the discipline aspect is the part of this I like the least but need the most.

I love this picture from Patty's gallery. It sums up what I feel so hard during punishment times like these. Humble. Grateful. And so ready to climb right back into Jason's arms for the reassurance I need. 

From "Patty's Gallery" (click for link)