A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog post called “Spank Meeeee.” In the comment section, one reader mentioned that he had brought this dynamic to his wife, and despite her insistence that she really, really enjoys the fruits of this dynamic, he still has some hang-ups about pursuing the dynamic. The comment was actually in reference to something else, but I picked up on that, and offered my opinion.
Shortly after that, a reader friend of mine wrote to me and said she’d read the comment and had a bit of a lightbulb moment herself. So I decided this point was worth exploring in a blog post. Another reader also mentioned this excellent article on Acting As If. It’s worth a read.
Jason and I have a somewhat different experience to our start to DD than I’ve encountered with other couples. In most cases, one partner is interested in pursuing a DD or D/s dynamic, and things naturally progress from there. In some cases it’s a natural progression; in others it takes years and years of hard work and heart ache. Sometimes, the dynamic flourishes naturally, and at other times, it doesn’t.
With me and Jason, we were exploring erotic spanking in the bedroom. I was a major prude when we married, but after a full decade of marriage, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to spank me. That story’s here. After we explored erotic spanking for a while, one day he decided I needed a “real” spanking. A punishment spanking. At the time, I was convinced that Domestic Discipline, though it secretly turned me on, was wrong. That it wasn’t right for a husband to discipline his wife. I protested, and when I protested, he marched me to the bed, pushed me onto my belly, and gave me a few quick smacks with his belt to show me he was serious. I’d never been spanked with a belt before. He’d never punished me. And it changed my life. I wanted this. Badly. So I pushed it with him… badly.
We had a lot of kinks to work out (pun intended). And even after he’d totally embraced this lifestyle, and admitted he loved seeing me flourish, he told me one day that he hated punishing me. I was so upset about this.
“What do you mean you hate punishing me?” I asked him. I felt my heart skip a beat, and suddenly, this awesome dynamic that had transformed my marriage felt so wrong.
“I hate it. I don’t like to hurt you. I don’t like to see you cry. And I don’t like punishing you.”
Jason isn’t a sadist. He enjoys spanking me and embraces his dominance, but he does not glean any real pleasure from causing me pain. That doesn’t mean that taking me over his knee doesn’t arouse him. Sure it does. I’m usually bared, and he’s only human, and the vulnerability and dominance of it all does turn him on. But he doesn’t enjoy the pain. He enjoys the exchange of power.
I didn’t understand all that then, though.
“If you don’t like it…and really hate it… maybe you shouldn’t do it anymore.” I love Jason. And I disliked knowing he was doing something he hated, for me.
He smiled at me and took my hand and said, “Don’t misunderstand me. Just because I hate punishing you doesn’t mean I won’t. I shouldn’t like punishing you. I love you. It’s natural for me to not want to cause you pain.”
“So why do you do it?” I asked him. “Why do you do it even though you hate it?”
“Because it’s the most loving thing for me to do. You need this from me. You thrive with this in your life. And because of that, I need to give this to you.”
I think I’d been harboring some sort of hope that he would embrace this as his own, that he wanted to dominate me as much as I wanted him to. That something deep down inside him would fuel his desire to make me behave, and demand my obedience. And that somehow him doing it for me made it less authentic.
I was wrong. All of that was wrong. And it was when he explained that he does this because he loves me that I understood. He was giving of himself to me, just as I give myself to him in so many other ways. I hate cooking. I really, really don’t like cooking. But I still make myself do it, and make Jason his favorite meals, and go out of my way just to please him. Because it’s the most loving thing to do.
And I realized… that I do things I hate, too, out of love. I hated telling my baby “no,” and hearing her cry, but I knew that a good mom stands firm and doesn’t spoil her child. I knew that there were many things I did in my life that I disliked, for the mere reason that it was the loving thing to do. So why would I demand things on my terms? Why did Jason have to be some sort of “natural disciplinarian” with me for this to be authentic? No. Instead, I had to graciously accept his generous gift of self, and allow him to love me. I had to shelve my pride and take him as he was, and love him just like that. Just like he did me.
And now, over five years later, I can honestly say this was a turning point for us. He loves my obedience. He loves the fruits of the power exchange in our marriage. He’s cultivated his dominance and I’ve cultivated my submission, and though we still grow and evolve and learn, this has become a beautiful, natural part of how we relate. We’ll never turn back.
He still hates punishing me. He will always hate punishing me. It is up to me to accept what he gives me, and give back to him in return. It is up to me to accept his love.