Sunday, December 15, 2019

NEW BLOG

Hi, readers. After much thought, we decided it was time for a new blog. This one will still be up, and you'll have access to all old posts. 

But for those who'd like to continue to read about our crazy journey, you can find our new blog here: TAMED SHREW. 

Thank you!!


Sunday, October 6, 2019

A good, hard re-set.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve been punished. 

If I’m really honest? It’s been a really long time since I’ve even really been in a good submissive place. 

This fall hit us like a freight train. We’ve got several kids in various schools, our kids are at very different stages of life, we have a puppy, and Jason’s mom has been sick. To put it simply, the demands of others have completely drained me and Jason. 

We’re doing well, as far as our relationship goes. We’ve built communication into our relationship and systems to make things go. We talk things out, and as I said to him recently, “We make a really good team.” But at the end of the day, we’re only human. All energy—mental and physical and the like—is finite. And when you collapse into bed at the end of the day, there’s rarely anything “extra” left. 

I’m traveling a lot alone this fall, and when I travel without Jason I get into a dominant head space. I’m running my home and running my business, and every single day I get up, I tackle the day head-on. In my last post, I explained about internal and external motivations, and I now understand that I’m an Upholder—someone who is driven to meet both external and internal motivations. So I do what needs to be done…but self-care often wanes. 

And I do believe that advocating for ourselves in our dynamics is a form of self-care. 

I think that bears repeating, you guys. Advocating for ourselves in our dynamics is a form of self-care. 

No dominant is a mind reader, so even those with years of experience sometimes find themselves flailing. ::raises hand:: It’s been seven years of full-time D/s here, and we still get there sometimes. 

Sometimes, he gets busy and doesn’t meet my needs. Sometimes, I need attention and seek it in immature ways. Sometimes, I still question after seven years, hundreds of conversations, and even more sessions over my man’s knee, if he still wants this. 

Because over those seven years, I’ve seen the growth and fluctuation in our dynamic. Relationships aren’t static, and the needs of a D/s couple are no different. As children come into our homes, they grow, they move out, they need us, our jobs change, we move, our parents need us, and the list goes on… the needs of a Dominant and submissive shift. This is one of many reasons communication is necessary. What worked in 2017 won’t work anymore, because we aren’t the same people we were then. 

So I can’t help but wonder…will there come a time when we move away from needing this? But my personal philosophy, one I try very hard to do literally every day, is to be grateful for today. To give thanks for this moment, this stage of my life, the blessings that are in front of me. To not worry about tomorrow, for we never know what tomorrow will bring. 

That said, I was so deep into my dominant head space and so far from submission, when Jason asked me to kneel a few times for check-in, my entire being resisted. It seemed like a waste of time. 

I suppose that should’ve been a red flag, but I was too busy and too tired to care. 

We get along well, so outwardly, there seemed to be no indication that anything was off. We weren’t fighting. We still laughed, we still kissed, we still snuggled and made time for each other, but it was minimal, and the power exchange was nearly forgotten. 

About a week or two ago, something felt off. I don’t know what triggered it, but Jason was sitting on the couch across from me, and I went over to him. I laid my head in his lap and called him “Daddy.” And it made me cry a little, because I needed that. 

“That’s all I needed,” I told myself. But it wasn’t. It was really only a taste of what I needed. 

Then finally, yesterday, Jason and I ended up in bed on time, all kids settled in for the night, preparations for the next day in full swing… and I curled up on his chest and really talked. About all the things weighing on my mind that I needed to talk to him about. And then I made a confession. 

I’ve broken rules. Oh so many damn rules. Honestly? Probably about 75% of them. 

“Really,” he said, in that Dom voice most submissives will know. The warning voice. 

“It wasn’t on purpose,” I told him. “It was accidental at first, and we’ve had no time to really talk about it. But as time went on, it got easier and easier to do. I have no energy left to resist breaking them. And to be honest? It didn’t seem like you cared anymore, so I didn’t see why I should.”

I wasn’t angry and neither was he. It was just a bald confession. One that had to happen. 

So he went point by point through the rules, and asked if I’d broken any of them. 

And one at a time, I had to tell him yes. 
Yes. 
Yes. 

There was hardly a rule I haven’t broken. 

Fellow subs will likely be cringing by now. 

But even after I told him? I sort of expected he’d say, “Okay, so go to bed and do better in the morning.” 

Because we were really far gone, you guys. He hadn’t so much as slapped my ass to warn me in like weeks. We did check-in’s sometimes, but they were just rote. They didn’t delve deep enough. We were still technically in our roles… but barely. 

So I rolled over to get some rest. And then I got a little curious. “So…am I in trouble?” 

In past years, I’d have wanted that answer to be yes. But I honestly didn’t even care. 

Like I said, I was pretty far gone. In some distant part of my mind, I knew I needed to be punished, but I didn’t want to have to actually exert the effort to do it. I was so tired. So damn tired. 

“Of course you’re in trouble,” he said. “It’s time we got back to where we need to be. This is what’s going to happen. I’m going to spank you, so we can put this behind us. Then tomorrow, we’ll check in, and when I get home from work, you’ll tell me exactly what you did and if you’ve broken my rules.” 

“Okay.” 

Damn. At that point, I knew I was getting punished and I knew it would be bad. I haven’t been spanked much at all lately, so I also knew I’d probably wimp out. But I also knew at this point, if he was committed, it was time to get back on track. 

He got out of bed and got the stupid rubber paddle-like eraser, and ordered me over his knee. I braced because I knew it was going to be intense. 

And no lie, you guys, that was probably the hardest spanking I’ve gotten all year. Maybe even longer. Memory fades. But I certainly haven’t been punished like that in a very, very long time. There was no warm-up. He went right to it. And he spanked so hard and so long, I wanted to climb out of my skin. 

I was crying about a third of the way through it. Squirming and promising to do better. Begging him to stop. He didn’t. After I thought I was going to die, he stopped. “That was for breaking the first rule.” 

Oh, lawdy, I thought it would never end. He spanked me until I was freely crying. I accepted it because there was no other choice, I couldn’t get away from it, and because he’s my Dom. He was calm as he lectured me, and reminded me of why we have our rules, what he expects, and why I was being punished. 

And then he was done. I cried into the bed and he held me. I don’t remember what he said, but it was something to the effect, “And now we start over. That’s all wiped away. You’re forgiven.” And he talked to me about his part in this, and how he’ll avoid letting us get down that path again. 

For like anything, when small steps can help us make progress over time, small steps away from our goals can do the opposite. But thankfully, we have a reset button. I’m sore but happy. Relieved, even. Today we start over, and we learn a little each time. And when our dynamic is challenged, we work it through, and we end up back on the same page in the end, we grow. 

When it was all over, Jason held me. “We both needed that,” he said. And he was right. We did. 

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Motivation and D/s

Happy Sunday, blogland! 

I mentioned last week I recently read Gretchen Rubin's Four Tendencies, and I've been trying to wrap my brain around it ever since. 

I'm one of those people that loves personality tests like Myers Briggs and the Ennegram, or even the Harry Potter Pottermore sorting hat quiz, and things like that. I'm fascinated with the psychology of it, and find it interesting to find there are other people out there just like me. But what I love most about learning about myself is that "once you know better, you do better." If I understand how my personality works, I can accept who I am more fully. In Rubin's book, she quotes Thomas Merton, one of my favorites. I can't find the quote right now but can paraphrase it. He said something to the effect, "My life's goal is to become who I already am." 

And as I read the book and my mind began to put two and two together, I started to see how personality type really impacts a D's lifestyle. 

For those who are interested, the test is HERE

Essentially, Rubin argues that there are four different types of tendencies, or how one operates based on how you respond to external and internal motivations. There's a really good summary HERE.

Upholders: These are the people who are both externally and internally motivated. They are the people who thrive on meeting both internal and external goals. To quote Rubin, "Upholders want to know what should be done." And once they do, they do it. 


Questioners: Are motivated by internal motivations, but often fail to meet external motivations. Questions question everything, because they want to know the logic behind what they do. 

Obligers: Meet external obligations, but frequently struggle meeting internal obligations. They need external accountability. 

Rebels are driven by neither external nor internal motivations. Their natural response to nearly everything is a, "no." Ask a rebel to do something, and he will want to do the opposite. 

After reading about the different tendencies, I would hazard a guess that many naturally submissive people are obligers. 

Obligers are the "salt of the earth," the most loyal friends, most dedicated employee, and they live to serve. Submitting to another person's authority is how obligers thrive. Give them a vague assignment and they flounder; give them a deadline and accountability, they will thrive. Obligers enjoy pleasing others, so submitting to someone else comes fairly easily. An obliger-type would do amazingly well in a D/s relationship with a task list and routine. 

On the other hand? Someone with a natural obliger tendency may struggle in the role of dominant unless they dommed out of service to another, to meet the needs of his or her partner. 

Obligers, when paired with rebels, make for an excellent match. Obligers love that rebels do what they want, don't cow to anyone else's expectations,. They're fearless. It doesn't mean they're necessarily irresponsible (though many are), because if they value their responsibility, they do indeed do what they're supposed to. 

Guess what I suspect a natural dom is, y'all? Yep. A rebel. Guess what my Jason tests as? Yep, a rebel. 

Certainly there are variations on any theme, and variations within the tendency. And none of this is meant to box anyone in or stereotype, but I do think that understanding our responses to internal and external motivation can shed some light into our relationship with others. 

Some of you may be wondering which tendency fits me. I'm actually not an obliger, but an upholder. This made sense to me after I read it because I am both internally and externally motivated. I've always said I'm not a natural submissive. In fact, as an upholder, I hold the weight of so much responsibility on my shoulders, it's a relief to me to obey Jason and put the weight of all that down for a little while. (I'm also a kinkster, so yanno, I love the whole spanking and submission thing). But natural sub? No way, no how. It isn't me, and I have at times been jealous of people who were naturally submissive. 

Upholders hate holding other people accountable. Since people within this personality type frequently sail through upholding their own expectations, they have a super hard time when asked to uphold someone else. 

Anyway, for me, I don't need those rules for external accountability, like chores or a budget, because I meet those easily without having to answer to Jason. I need the expectation of respect, and permission to put everything down for a while. 





Another tendency is questioner. They question everything, are highly internally motivated, but often don't care about external expectations. "Why?" could be their theme word. It would be hard for a questioner to submit, but if a questioner trusted his or her dom, it could work well. I daresay that a questioner dom might find dominating comes naturally. 

A rebel, on the other hand, questions everything. So I would suspect a rebel would not find submission comes easily at all. It doesn't mean it can't be done. It for sure could, and I know rebels who do submit. But they need to not only trust their dom, they need to have a damn good reason for rules. They need to know there are consequences if they disobey. And then need to feel like they have autonomy in all of this. 

An upholder like me--someone who's both internally and externally motivated--usually clashes with a rebel like Jason. But I suppose we've just made it work over time (and my ass has paid the price.) There have been a few times another sub has said to me, "OMG how could you have said that/ done that/ acted that way." Well, y'all, it's because I have to work damn hard at submitting, and I often fail. 

So for those who might find their dynamic is challenging, or that you and your partner are having a hard time communicating to one another, you might find it something worth pursuing. 

If you've taken the test or read the book, do you have any thoughts on how motivation impacts D/s?