Sunday, September 8, 2019

The "60/60" rule

Helllo, Blogland! Gosh it feels so good to be blogging again. For us, this is one of the hardest time of years for our dynamic typically. As of November, Jason and I will be seven years into this crazy way of life and without fail, every year around “back to school” we find that we struggle. Well, at least we have in the past. 

Why is this? I think it’s many things. Because our dynamic takes time to cultivate and grow, the added stress of “back to school” depletes that free time. The added demands on our schedules means less time together, so we’ve had to develop super strong communication methods to help ward off potential pitfalls. It helps that we’ve done this now many times, so we have systems in place. 

Jason asked me to buy a huge whiteboard calendar. Then we have a family calendar that we go through as a family during Sunday night dinner so everyone makes sure what needs to be on the calendar is on the calendar. Who’s coming and going, who needs a carpool ride, who has a doctor appointment. And pretty much the rule is, if you forget to tell me on Sunday night then you’re kind of on your own. I plan our dinners for the week, get all the shopping done (as a mom of many who works full time, I order groceries delivered to the house and I’m telling you, it’s a life-changer). It’s almost over-the-top how hard we prep on Sunday. I even fill up the soap dispensers and toilet paper in the bathrooms on Sunday lol. So by Sunday night, we’re ready for the week ahead. 


What does this have to do with our dynamic? You’d be surprised. Jason is a natural dom. As such, the man likes order. I have to say I’m not super sure if all natural dominant men are like this, but the ones I know are. Jason feels when our house is in order, we’re all less stressed, and I agree. He’ll do what it takes to get there, too, usually. He mostly does all the laundry on the weekends and we both tag team nighttime routines with the kids.  He knows I’m busy so he doesn’t get on me about much. It just pretty much has to be a team effort to work. 


And when we aren’t a team? That’s when things start to fall apart. It’s when our priorities are out of whack. It’s when we fail to communicate adequately. 

Recently, he was exhausted and couldn’t really do much of anything on a busy evening. I was kinda fuming by the time I took myself to bed, but I know what happens if I snap at him. He might punish me (and always will, eventually) but in the moment, if he’s exhausted, he’s much more likely to get angry and withdraw, and there’s pretty much nothing I hate worse in the world than when he does that. 

So I had to do the self-talk thing. Self-talking my way into the right mindset is a huge coping mechanism I learned years ago from another submissive. I asked her how she changes her mindset, and she said, “Well, something like that usually takes a lot of self-talk.” 

My self-talk the other night went something like this. 

“Yes, he didn’t help tonight. He’s probably tired, or maybe doesn’t feel well. Did you survive? Are you dying because he didn’t help you? When you’re tired, you can really get unreasonable. If you snap at him now, and tell him all the things on your mind, he’ll either punish you or worse—withdraw. He won’t talk to you at all, then you’ll have to go to bed knowing he’s upset with you and you’re going to be punished. Worth it? Nope. And anyway, it wasn’t as big a deal as you’re making it out to be in your head. Get over it and go to sleep.” 

Essentially, I have to tell myself what a more logical me would think lol. It sounds weird, but it works. I can’t depend on him to do all the reasoning for me. And isn’t that what owning this dynamic is all about? Owning your own part in this, and putting your best effort forward? 

“Yes, you want him to dom you. But he’s exhausted. He’s got his mom to take care of , too, and it’s so much on him right now and he doesn’t have much energy left for you. Just hang in there. You have good friends, a job you love, supportive children, and so many things to be thankful for. Give him the space to do this. He’ll have time for you again.” 

When Jason and I were getting ready to be married, a dear family friend said to us, “Just remember, there is no fifty-fifty. This isn’t about splitting things right down the middle. Each of you do sixty percent all the time, and that way there’s always overlap to pick up the slack.”


And I have to say, I really think that’s true in our dynamic. It is a very, very rare day when our efforts are equal. There are days when I need him to dom me and he’s not up for it, so I have to work hard fulfilling my role as his submissive. Sometimes with no help from him at all. Then there are days I’m stressed and not up for submitting, so he has to take a more active role of dominant to help me get in the right head space. 


But this is what works. The only way to move forward in our dynamic is for me to submit to him, out of love to him and for him to dom me, out of love for me. Because at the heart of this is the power exchange, and for us, that power exchange is fueled by love. And on that note… it’s my bedtime and we have rules about that (though he did give me permission to blog first). 

Next week, I’m unpacking something super interesting. I’ve recently finished The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. This fast-paced book is absolutely fascinating. She believes that one’s “tendency” can be determined by investigating external and internal motives and viewing the dynamics in light of this hypothesis is fascinating. For those who want a sneak peak, the book is HERE.


And the quiz to identify where you might fall on the spectrum is HERE.  


I’ll see you next week! 




4 comments:

  1. I LOVE the 60/60 rule. That is awesome!

    Boo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love this post! I remember reading about your back to school struggles the last few years, but it seems like you're handling it well so far this year. I do the self talk thing too, like all day. I didn't know it was a thing until I started running about 5 years ago and had to talk myself up that steep hill �� but it's basically how I manage my emotions these days. So glad you're back to blogging!

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